Never Get There [Wolf & Apotheosis]

Code:

FISH online. Time: 7:34pm Eastern Daylight Time (EDT -4:00).
Good evening, Lana Branfeax.
Network check--you are online. Connection strength: Very good.
Version check--you are up to date.
Booting into avatar APOTHEOSIS--complete.
Logging into SAVIOR--complete.
WELCOME APOTHEOSIS.

---

She logged on an hour early because she didn't want to be late. Didn't want to be late for the one thing she had planned today--or for the past week--that made her get up out of bed. She'd even struggled with getting into the shower because she'd read online that it was a good idea, even for an online date. It helps put you into the right frame of mind, the advice column said. She hoped it was the case. She hoped that somehow he'd notice something was different about her, even if the only thing that was different today about her avatar was the dress she'd bought at the auction house purely for its cosmetic appearance. She kept the same cosmetic appearance on the avatar as the last time they'd met; she'd gotten too many compliments on it from other players for her to ever take it off.

(He'd complimented her then, too, and it made her feel so alive that she thought that she and despair were officially parted friends for the rest of the night. Even if reality came crashing down later, it was a lovely dream.)

"A lovely dream," she murmured to herself as she stared down at the menu for a place she didn't need to see the menu for anymore. It hadn't changed meaningfully in five years. It was part of what she liked about this particular cafe, its lights dark and cozy, somehow making every table feel so isolated that it was a popular date night spot. Most times she came here, it was alone by herself. But tonight, he'll be here. Tonight, I'll be dating him. Her heart soared in her chest.

And yet her violet eyes flickered to the doors of the cafe. She pressed her dark-purple-red lips together. What if he doesn't show? She'd promised him the money. He knew she was good for it. They'd done this a few times now. Her money was always promptly paid and always cleared at the end of their dates. Yes, she was early--it was a full half-hour before he was supposed to arrive--but she couldn't help but be nervous.

The waitress stopped by and smiled politely at her. "I'm sure he'll be here soon," she said cheerfully. She's nice. But it was easy for her to wonder if she was simply paid to be nice. Like how he was paid to be her...

"He loves me," Apotheosis replied softly, violet eyes filled with a warm and confident light. "He'll be here soon. He wouldn't leave me alone here without a good reason."

Because it's easier to imagine Wolf loving Apotheosis than for Wolf's player to ever love me. The thought came bitterly under a smile that parted to drink from her tea.

Upon entering Savior the first thing that Wolf does is check his messages. Makes sure that he has the time right. He's fully ten minutes early, which gives him more than enough time to make it to the destination that has been chosen for this particular exursion. It's a date. A little reminder in the back of his mind cheerfully pipes up. He glances up and down the street, feeling inwardly uncomfortable.

He'd logged off in front of a windowed shop, and he couldn't help looking at his avatar. In truth he hadn't had much imagination with it. It looked for all intents and purposes very much like he did himself. Long black hair falling to his shoulders, silver eyes. A handsome and muscular build. He'd gotten the specifications down well enough that it even looked a great deal like his own face. It'd taken him hours to get it the way he wanted it.

Quickly he turns off his notifications and moves down the street to where he can change quickly into the outfit he'd gotten for the occasion. It's a date. The outfit is the sort of thing that one would wear on a date for sure. A long-sleeved silver gray shirt that he pulls the sleeves up a little. A pair of nearly black slacks that have a touch of lightness to them. It brings out the shadowy glint of the silver shirt. Dress shoes that he dislikes nearly complte the outfit, but he adds one last touch. A pendant of amythist that he hangs around his neck. It's a particular violet color that sometimes throws reflected color on the rest of his outfit.

With that done he checks his time again. Four minutes. He smiles to himself and heads down the street to the resturant and enters one minute early. It takes him only a few seconds to spot the woman waiting for him. He puts on a smile at the sight of her. She's a paying customer after all. One who's never been late on a payment or tried to overstep her bounds. He heads toward her, nodding to the hostess that he knows his way, and seats himself at the table across from her.

"I hope I didn't keep you long." He says, she's always early. Always arriving at whatever their destination is before he does. He's always on time or just a few moments early. He offers her his hand without thinking about it overly much. "You look beautiful.

You're on a date don't forget it. For some reason, that almost sounds in his mind like Marsward's voice.

The minutes crept by. She knew he wouldn't show up miraculously early. He was punctual. She didn't pay him to show up early. He was a professional. The likelihood of him having other clients was high. She'd never yet run into him with someone else--and she hoped that she never would, that she'd never have to be confronted with the fact that this fantasy of hers was an illusion propped up by his kisses and his soft words, his fingers finding their way so naturally around hers that maybe they were meant to be--

Her attention snapped back into place the moment she saw him walk through the door. It's him! And then a flicker of elation dawned in the back of her mind--he's a minute early! He's never been a full minute early!

(He loves you for real.) It was the happiest thought she's ever had--nor was it the first time it'd crossed her mind, not by a long shot. It was also the most painful thought she's ever had, but the pain wasn't there yet in her chest. It would bloom there later when she sent him the payment. For now, she was simply coasting off the high the thought sent her. His hand found hers and she felt herself lose so easily to the fantasy this time.

Her boyfriend. Her lover. He loves me for real. Her eyes nearly welled with tears--not for the first time upon holding hands with him, not for the first time upon being told that she looks beautiful to him--but she couldn't shed them. Couldn't cry. This was a routine date for Apotheosis and Wolf, who were exclusive lovers. There was nothing special about this date, really. It was just a dinner date at her favorite place.

"You never do," Apotheosis said with a wide smile. A part of her wanted to lean in for the kiss that she wanted, had thought about all day. Couples greet each other hello with a kiss. Why wouldn't Apotheosis and Wolf? You never do. Because he doesn't have to.

She squeezed his hand gently. "How was your day, my darling?" she asked him. It felt so good to call him that. She had to resist the urge to call him that when they talked to each other outside of their outings and dates. It was how she thought of him. Her darling Wolf. Her darling boyfriend. Her darling lover. Even if that wasn't real, it would be nice to carry on the fantasy in all of their communications. Maybe--maybe she'd ask for that by the end of their date tonight. Maybe she'd find the courage.

He gives her hand a little extra squeeze. It's not hard to tell what's on her mind. How much it means to her that he's holding her hand. He squashes the voice in the back of his mind. The Wolf she wants loves her enough not to be thinking about whether this is a date or not. That's who he has to be right now. Not someone who's feeling a sting of betrayal to the person that he cares for. Why do I do this?

No. He's Apotheosis's, Wolf.

She returns to herself, and by that time he's managed to get himself under control as well. He looks into her violet eyes as she looks at him. She looks like a woman who's completely in love. There's still a little twinkle of tears in her eyes, but she ignores it and plays her part in this charade. "How was your day, my darling?"

He lets his smile become a little excited, and his silver eyes twinkle with something close to real pleasure. "I found a new dungeon on the edge of the Silver Forest." It's true. "There's legend that there's a unicorn in that forest that'll offer a fair maiden a key to the dungeon if she asks kindly."

Wolf lets the idea spark in her, the thought of yet another grand adventure, not even looking at his menu because he's so excited to share this with her. "You were the first person I thought of. Who is more fair and kind than my Apotheosis?" He squeezes her hand in excitement. "Actually..."

Here he dips his head a little, looking a bit embarrassed and it's not hard. "I heard that there's a treasure in there. A ring with a silver jewel... I'd like to get it for you. So that you have a token to remember me by when we're apart." He lifts his hand to his chest. "Like I have something to remember you by."

It's all a lie. It is and it isn't. Everything he's said is true, but the sentiment, it's the part he's playing.

What are you doing?

Marsward wants this!

Do it for him.

And he'd do anything, anything for Marsward.

content warning: mention of suicidal ideation

---

He was such a good liar. She didn't think that, not consciously. It was so easy for him to tell her lovely things. That she's a fair maiden. That he thought of her first when he heard of the legend. That she's his Apotheosis--

(That one isn't a lie.) It was true. That one wasn't a lie. She was his. She'd always be his, she was certain of that much just looking at him. No matter what he did, no matter what he said, her heart and the ability it had to keep beating no matter how often on her worst of days she wished for it to stop--it belonged to him, had belonged to him from the moment he looked at her the way he did, touched her so gently and lovingly, spoke to her so softly, as though he understood her down to her very soul and knew what she needed. Him. Nothing but him, nothing else but him.

She stared into his silver eyes, her lips slightly open the whole time. She'd read somewhere it was more inviting to a man to look at him like so. It was a sultry look, an invitation for more, or so had been written. She didn't know how well she was doing it. But her intention was ruined the moment he mentioned a ring. A ring that matched the color of his eyes. Like how he wore a pendant around his neck with a gemstone that matched her eyes. It'd been her idea for him to do so. Looking at it, like she did the moment that he mentioned it, reminded the part of her buying the fantasy that he loved her, that he wanted her, that he wanted to wear a part of her on his body always.

Apotheosis smiled so brightly, so widely. Her violet eyes such a warm and merry sparkle for all of his loving and kind words. "I would want that more than anything, my love," she said. She'd said it before, the love word. She'd said it on their second date ever when she went home from the first and knew for certain how she felt about him. "A ring to wear on my hand--I'd wear it always and forever. But are you sure that you want to go alone? Perhaps we could go together?"

It was so easy for her to pledge that she'd wear his ring forever. A part of her was thriving off the ecstasy of what he might promise her once the ring was in hand. Maybe he intended to wed her--a promise that she had to quickly dash by reminding herself not that it wasn't real, but that it was too soon. Maybe he intended it to mark an anniversary. They'd only been dating for a few short weeks, so she couldn't think of any meaningful anniversary he might have in mind.

For now, she'd forgotten--momentarily--that he wasn't genuine in this. And that was the worst part, really.

She's so happy. He can tell instantly how much it means to her that he'd spent a little bit of time traveling around looking for a place for them to go. So that they can spend more time together. So that he can charge her more money. The worst thing about this? Is he likes her. She's so nice. To him.

Honestly, he doesn't see what she sees in him. What Marsward sees in him. He's a terrible person, without any real redeeming qualities. If he'd met her... would they be friends?

Of course not. It's not like he has any real friends. Nobody in relaity, nobody in this world. He doesn't belong anywhere. The only place he feels like he feels wanted is in Marsward's arms. So why are you here?

He feels his resolve crumbling like sand out from under a castle built on the beach. Eroding. She's so nice. She doesn't deserve this.

Zal-Wolf barely catches the end of what she says and his mind plays quick catch up while he smiles at her. "Of course I want you there. I was hoping you'd come with me. It's a chance for us to spend more time together... if you have the time for me."

Suddenly he pulls her hand a little closer, leaning into her space and he kisses her. She smells like lavender. Like something just a few shades lighter than her eyes. He forgets for a moment. That they're not together, that he's dating someone else. That his heart should belong to someone else. For a moment he has to believe the fantasy because the only other option is to run screaming out the door. He kisses her softly and not for long but he pulls back.

"I'm sorry." He mumurs, eyes downcast. Cheater. "You... you didn't kiss me when I arrived, and I... I hope this is okay?"

He makes a little bitter laugh and looks at her. "It's so hard being in love sometimes isn't it? You never really know what the other person is thinking. If they care about you as much as you care about them." There's real emotion on his face, real hurt. He tries to take his hand back from her, feeling as low as a man can feel.

The moment he says if you have time for me, her guard goes down. It's why she feels so giddy when he pushes into her space, when his lips find hers, when they unite in a way that she finds herself thinking of at all hours. She whines softly into his kiss, a little noise in her throat that begs for him. All of him. She loves him. His questions that come after their lips part are little wounds, but thrilling ones. She's forgotten now. Forgotten that he doesn't love her, that he doesn't feel the same for her, doesn't want her the way she wants him.

"You're more than enough, my love. My darling, my everything." She feels the levee that's keeping her emotions from spilling out of her beginning to crack. She doesn't see a man manipulating her at her own request; she sees her boyfriend, her lover, her beloved Wolf expressing such hurt. Her hand goes to find his so easily. Touching him is easier when she's fully under his spell. She has the ability to touch him. He loves her. He wants her.

Her violet eyes go to the table. "I just–I just didn't want to impose on you. You have…"

(No reason to do any of this beyond the fact that I'm paying you to do so.) It hurts. It's an arrow that lances right through her heart. She loves him but he doesn't. She wants him but he doesn't. Not in the same way.

And she can't comprehend any world in which he might. No one could ever want her for who she truly is. Only what she has. Only what she can give. The reason why she started dating Wolf to begin with was because at least this way, she knew where they stood. That they could negotiate. That she knew he wasn't lying more to her than what she wanted him to do.

"You have your own ability to choose," is what she says. She imagines that he does. He doesn't have to go on dates with her. There would be plenty of other people who would. She's heard of men like him having to turn down people. She bets he's one of them. "If you wanted a kiss, that is. I…"

She gulps. "I didn't want to force it on you."

"You have your own ability to choose."

The words feel mocking to him. He doesn't. He's never had a choice. Never had a chance. What would it be like to have someone like her love him? When has Marsward ever taken him out to a nice restuarant? Offered to do something with him? Asked him for something as simple as a kiss? Never. Never. Never.

"I want to kiss you." He says, hears the words leave his mouth. It's what Marsward would expect him to say. He could imagine what would happen if he screwed this up. How upset Marsward would be that he couldn't manage a job this easy. His eyes are on his hands, so that she can't see the lie in his eyes. "Or... I want you to kiss me."

He's never been more glad of the interruption of the waiter coming to their table. He gives her hands a gentle squeeze, a promise of return and scoots back in his seat away from her. Allows the waiter to ask after what they want. He orders a simple steak, as rare as they'll make it for him, and doesn't ask what it comes with. He doesn't care. Doesn't really care about the food at all.

Once she's ordered her food, he quickly interjects, looking at her with wide eager eyes. "You never told me how you are doing. Anything exciting? Interesting?" If he can keep her talking, maybe he can distract them both from the fact that all of this is a thin illusion that is slowly sucking the life out of him.

Once again, his lie works. I want to kiss you is a phrase that's so powerful on her that she can't argue with him. Doesn't want to argue with him. How could she doubt the man that she loves so completely on this when he tells her outright? Especially when he pairs it with the second lovely wound, the "I want you to kiss me." That she could be permitted to touch him, that she could kiss him all she wants is intoxicating in of itself. She's never been drunk before, not in real life, but she has to imagine it feels like this. Has to, because everything takes on a beautiful haze. He wants her. He wants her? He wants her!

She doesn't even remember what she orders a moment after she gives it to the waiter. Her attention is entirely on Wolf, on his silver eyes, his hands. She takes his hand again. It requires both of her hands to cup his. "I'm okay," she says. "I've just been lonely without you around. I know you're busy."

Busy seeing people who aren't me. She smiles at him despite the bitter thought again. "I've been reading again," she says. "Before I go to bed. I've been getting books delivered to my house recently. It's nice to have things to look forward to besides us."

She doesn't realize how pathetic her last sentence sounds until it's too late. Her lips press together again. "Do you like to read?" she asks. It's prying into his personal life and she knows it. It's rude. She hadn't paid him to be a book expert, to give him time to prepare. They hadn't arranged it. Hadn't negotiated it. She feels awful.

She talks and he nods. Listening as she clings to his hand like it's the last sane, safe thing in this world. Like how you cling to Marsward? The voice in his mind isn't wrong. He glazes over the fact that she knows that he's been 'busy' or rather that they haven't seen each other every day. They're not really dating after all. Or else they'd see each other more often than irregularly. How often do you see Marsward?

Stupid voice. "I know, I hate being so busy, but... Life's like that more often than not."

Apotheosis talks to him about reading before bed and he shakes his head with a little smile. "You should watch reading anything good before bed, you'll get too caught up and you won't sleep good." He seems amused not chiding. As if this is something that he's done himself many times. Which he has.

He doesn't realize until it's a bit too late that he'd responed to something that she'd said out of her normal character. That she's talking about real life. Things that she'd talk to her real boyfriend about. That she's asking him about his real life. Things that he's actually reading. Because... if they were dating it'd be natural to ask. But they're supposed to be Apotheosis and Wolf. She's asking about him.

Internally he realizes that this is bad. That the delicate balance between them is too far skewed. Though... it always has been. It's just been getting more and more so as time goes on. He wants to tell her that he's not really her boyfriend. That she's setting herself up for heartbreak. I want to tell her! Only... the moment he tells her that, the illusion breaks for real and he'll never see her again. Marsward will be furious. He'll never see her again.

Why do you care if you never see her again?

Externally he answers, his brain moving along without his mouth. "I love to read. Mostly poetry." He stops, his mouth hanging open for a moment. Why had he said that? He doesn't tell people about himself. He doesn't tell people things like that about himself. Now she was going to ridicule him for being a wuss. His jaw twitches. This whole date has been a disaster.

An apology burns a hole in his tongue.